Parental Overwhelm

Modern life is stressful. Social media makes us believe we can have it all: the loving family, the tidy house, the successful job, the relaxing holidays. Sounds nice but right now, I’d settle for 10 minutes of head space with a cuppa (no, make that 5 minutes!)

Do you feel the same? Parenting challenges are never ending, going from one challenge to next at breakneck speed! You’re not alone, here’s my story and some actionable tips to help calm things down a little.

I’d always wanted kids. I used to play for hours with my doll, giving it care and attention. Fast forward some years later and I was blessed with two healthy children but quickly learned that the reality was very different.

Once at primary school I spent my days making sure the uniform was ready, books were in book bags, letters were signed and returned and after school, the swimming kit was prepared, etc. I’d dash from school to work and back again, then onto whatever after-school activity was on that day. I’d wish each phase of their life away because I felt ‘it’ll be easier when they’re older’. High school arrived and I breathed a sigh of relief that the drop-off and pickups were done but then panicked at the thought of them walking to and from school on their own. I’d hyperventilate when they asked for help with their maths homework that looked like something a maths professor should be doing. Throw into the mix being a single parent and managing mealtimes, keeping up with the laundry and other household chores and it created a perfect storm of overwhelm.

I know I’m not alone in dealing with these issues, but at times I felt very lonely and overwhelmed. The majority of the time all these things were down to me, this caused me to feel resentful and knackered most of the time. I had no patience with the kids and self-care was not a word in my vocabulary, I wanted to curl up in a ball and make it all go away. Instead, I put on a brave face, rolled my sleeves up and got on with it. I carried on gliding along the water like a swan on the surface but paddling frantically underneath. This was not a sustainable long-term strategy! It took me a long time to accept that I was worthy of self-care and that it was in fact essential. I began to invest in myself and slowly began to recognise that I was suffering from overwhelm.

Overwhelm comes in many shapes and sizes and is incredibly common. It’s defined as feeling unable to cope with a problem sometimes to the point where you can lack productivity and feel paralysed by the issue. It doesn’t matter what your overwhelm is, it could be cooking tea each night or not being able to make your mortgage payments, what matters is that you recognise it and deal with it. Here are some common symptoms to look out for:

• Short temper

• Disrupted sleep

• Brain fog

• Anxiety

• Exhaustion

• Isolation

• Upset stomach

• Heightened emotions

Finding a way to deal with the problem can be overwhelming in itself. It can feel like a hopeless situation with no possible solution but there are several things you can do to help.

• Talk - Once you’ve recognised the signs reach out to someone. It doesn’t have to be a professional. Telling someone you trust you are struggling can be the support you need. Accept any help that’s offered and let them be there for you.

• Challenge your assumptions – Take a step back from your thoughts, been angry or feeling hopeless doesn’t solve the problem. Reframe this difficult situation, see it as something that can be overcome using your logical mind rather than being led by your emotions. Journalling on the issue allows you to see that this is something you are experiencing, not who you are.

• Practise mindfulness – Learning to access mindfulness is worth the effort. Being in the present moment allows us to reset and cope better with our problems. It can be done (almost) anywhere. You can meditate at home, go for a mindful walk in nature, or do a breathing exercise. These activities give us space to be kind to ourselves.

• Make small changes – Instead of focusing on the big problem that you may or may not be able to change, look at what you can change that will bring balance to your life - for example, sharing the mental load with your partner, distributing chores to other members of the family or scaling back the number of activities the kids attend. Maybe then you will find the time and head space to incorporate some regular self-care.

I’m a big believer that you are only ever sent what the universe knows you can manage. Remember this the next time you’re feeling overwhelmed and just stop and remind yourself of the following:

1. Reach out to someone

2. You are more resilient than you know

3. Self-care is non-negotiable