Is the Supermum cape dragging you down?

There are many days where I feel I’ve failed as a parent. I second guess the decisions I make and constantly have questions bouncing around in my head.

• Do I spend enough time with them?

• Am I too soft?

• Am I too strict?

• Are they spending too much time on their phone?

• Are they getting enough sleep?

• Should I do more for them?

• Am I paying too little pocket money?

• Am I paying too much pocket money?

You get the idea and probably relate to it if you’re reading this.

Research by Bupa in 2022 showed that 63% of mums have been driven to exhaustion due to the pressure of being a ‘Supermum’.

The definition of ‘Supermum’ is:

“An exemplary or exceptional mother, especially one who successfully manages a home and brings up children while also having a full-time job”.

When the eldest started school I was one of those mums that gave the impression of being a Supermum. My kids always turned up to school on time with everything they needed, I would produce cupcakes for bake sales and attend every school event, but the reality was that I was exhausted. I’d rush straight off to work after chucking them in the door to return in what felt like the blink of an eye to pick them back up. We’d head off to swimming lessons after school and then return home so I could prepare tea, bath the kids, and finally fall into bed bleary eyed. I’d be snappy with the kids and be constantly shouting at them to move quicker so we weren’t late as this would be a sure-fire sign that I wasn’t a Supermum. Regular friend meetups involved swapping stories about how frustrating the kids were or how much we had to do, and I’d remind them to cut themselves some slack, advice that I never listened to myself.

Ironically, the breakdown of my marriage was the catalyst I needed to acknowledge that I was a great mum and that there is no such thing as a ‘Supermum’.

These are the things I learnt when I ditched the idea of being a Supermum.

• Embrace your flaws – There’s no parenting manual to follow, you’re using the skills and knowledge that you have which means sometimes you might get it wrong; that doesn't mean you’re a bad parent, it just means you’re human.

• Share the load – Looking after a house is a big task and children (and some adults) need to be taught how to do this. They don’t just magically want to do it; you need to have conversations about what a tidy house looks like. Walk the house together, model what you are thinking and doing out loud. Follow samkelly_world on Instagram for more on this.

• Make your life easy – There are some days where we just need to make our lives easy so if you want a PJ Day binge watching Netflix then do it, but do it guilt free.

• Set boundaries around your time – This is age specific, but children need to be aware that you are not available all the time. It’s good for them to see you having down time and understanding you are an individual as well as a mum. It also protects your energy and promotes good well-being.

• Comparison is the thief of joy – Motherhood should be cherished but instead we constantly compare ourselves to others to see if we’re doing it ‘right’. This inevitably removes any joy from it. So go with your gut instinct when making decisions and unfollow those people on social media that don’t make you feel like a good parent.

• Done is good enough – Things don’t always have to be done to the best of your ability, sometimes it’s enough that it’s just done.

• Listen to your kids - I mean really listen, not interrupt and try and interpret what they are saying but put your phone down, get rid of any distractions and listen.

• Solution or listen? – Ask them what they want from you. Too many times I’ve jumped in with a possible solution when all they wanted me to do was listen.

• Take an interest in their interests - As they get older their interests may seem alien to you but asking them about them and been able to discuss it with them will create a connection. (They probably won’t show it, but they’ll be pleased you showed an interest.)

• Let go of the desire to fix everything for them – These problems are what will help them to gain the skills they need in adulthood.

• Don’t tell them you understand – You don’t, you’re not living their life. You can take a guess at how they are feeling but we’re all individuals. Instead say ‘I can see that this is tough right now but I’m here for you.’

Hopefully this has inspired you to ditch the cape and give yourself a pat on the back for being a good mum.