Dealing with the mental load - why women need to fight back

I was brought up in a traditional household where mum dealt with most of the planning, organising, cleaning, and tidying and dad did a few household chores and any DIY. I carried on this tradition when I moved in with my first husband. This didn’t seem unreasonable, as like millions of women before me, I had been taught to care for the household and its occupants.

From a young age, I was taught how to do household chores such as ironing and cleaning, so that I could support my mum while she worked. I never questioned why I was supporting just my mum even though my dad worked, and we all lived and used the house equally. My mum, like every other mum, found working, raising three kids and looking after a household exhausting. My sister and I would complete our set list of tasks each week in exchange for pocket money and my brother fell nicely into his gender role of not really doing his jobs until he’d been asked 50 million times.

My dad was also a typical male, he contributed to the household tasks when he was told what to do and when. He didn’t grumble about it, but he definitely didn’t choose to do any of these tasks without being asked. Probably because, like my siblings and I, we never noticed what needed doing.

After our second child was born, I worked weekends to avoid childcare costs. This meant I fell into the trap of feeling like the household was my sole responsibility. I’d get overwhelmed trying to manage the household tasks whilst looking after two small children. I felt like I’d lost my identity and became resentful towards my husband. We divorced for many reasons, but it taught me a lot about myself and that I needed an honest and true partnership.

While it seems obvious to me when the wash basket is overflowing or there’s a big pile of shoes blocking the way it often doesn’t appear that way to the other household members. 

Household communication is vital if we are to break free from traditional gender roles. Children (and even some adults) must be taught how to become aware when things need doing. Start by taking the child into a room and talk through what you are noticing “I notice that there are plates on the kitchen side. Let’s go check where they need to go. Are they dirty? Let’s put them in the sink/dishwasher. If they look clean, we can put them away. Do you know where they go?” By breaking each process down into small steps and verbally modelling what you are doing you are supporting them to become aware of tasks and how to do them.

The chore list in our household was a constant source of battles. I would have to ask multiple times for it to be done until I recently changed my approach. Instead of giving them a set list of things I wanted them to do I asked them what they would prefer to do. They chose the kitchen as the area they would like to be responsible for on a daily basis. We agreed they would do their chosen jobs a minimum of 5 days a week to give them some flexibility. If they decide they are having the night off, they have to inform us by 6pm so that we can cover the jobs. This more flexible approach has made evenings less stressful as everyone is aware of what their responsibilities are.

I’m a big advocate of a ‘To do’ list but my husband is always telling me that I never write down ‘everything’ that needs doing. I still sometimes fall into the trap of holding things back that I feel are my responsibility. It takes a long time to undo gender conditioning but if we don’t start now our children and their children will still be dealing with this problem.

I’m sure many of you can relate to the following list: booking an optician’s appointment, renewing the car insurance, reading the meter, collecting a prescription etc etc. Traditional gender roles often mean that all these ‘invisible tasks’ are left to the woman, leaving her feeling overwhelmed, undervalued and disorganised to name a few.

To combat this, my husband and I spend some time each week going through the tasks that need doing. We decide what’s urgent and who has the time to do it. These conversations share the load and create an open and true partnership. It means I don’t feel as overwhelmed by the mountain of tasks and it frees up time and mental space for me.

This is not a quick or easy process. It often involves a deep dive into your self-worth and some difficult conversations as a couple and a household. There will probably be some backlash but hopefully over time you will notice a shift. 

Let’s break the cycle now by having these conversations; let’s create a generation where the household tasks are everyone’s responsibility. Let’s banish the burnout of mothers once and for all!